Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
The beer is more important than you right now.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
