i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
