My nipple is on Facebook.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
