i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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