I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
So apparently I’m into choking now
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
