Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Randomize
