Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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