Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I just want cinnabon and vodka.