Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS