I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
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Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
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Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body