ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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