I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
