Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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