He is an equal opportunity slut.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
