I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
