My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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