I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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