sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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