You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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