1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
