I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
