I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
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When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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