I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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