Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
