I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Randomize
