this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
my being single is dangerous.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
