i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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