I can feel you judging me through the phone.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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