I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
