I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
