Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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