we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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