I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
He shit in the fireplace
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
