Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
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Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
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Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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