I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
