Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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