If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Hippo gnu deer
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
