So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
