Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
