I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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