I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
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