i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
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Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
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I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
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