We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.