Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
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I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
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So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed