I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
25 People Admit the Worst Things They’ve Done for Good Reasons
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.