You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
my poor anus
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.