My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?