I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
