More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
