i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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