I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Randomize
