oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I AM VODKA MAN
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
