Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
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Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
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yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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