I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
