he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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