***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
