I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
what day is it and did you see me today?
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
