I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
