Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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